February

February is the hardest month for me. I guess I've always known this on some level but I'm trying to deal with it now.

I realize that I call in sick a lot more in Feb and read a lot more in Feb. I've probably read more books in February than any other month, and I seem to particularly read the Brontes this time of year. I'm craving some Heathcliff and moors right about now.


What is it about February? I seem to get swallowed up by the bleak world around me. Christmas and New Years seem a long time ago and the brightness of summer seems to distant to be real. But what is real is the impending prescribed cheer of Spring. I can feel people longing for it, resenting the weather and bleakness of the now, just waiting to peel off their coats and get out in the sun. I feel very French right now because that idea sickens me. I know I have enjoyed it in the past and will again in the future but right now I can't stomach the idea of being light and gay and Spring-y.

Now is right. Now is bleak and doom and bundled up and coarse and pensive. There are no pastels now. Grey is all around me and I think in me. No wonder Valentine's was made for February. I don't think it was to "prove" you love someone but to prove to them that this bleak period won't last and that they are lovable and to not dwell in sadness. I'm sure that I'm no fun to be with right now. That's another thing I'm trying to deal with. To be myself is to say I don't care if I am fun to be around right now. That doesn't have to mean rude or unpleasant but just this more somber side, prickly and warts and all. Though it would be nice to hear that I'm still lovable in this state.

I feel shambling. I feel wandering and going nowhere. I am drifting but I don't think it is in a bad way. If my mood reflects the weather (as I think I'm more and more prone to SAD) I think it is right to be this way. If we should never be grey and bleak we are saying that the weather should never be this way, that February is wrong. I admit in the past I have wanted to jump over it, particularly Valentine's day and just get to Spring, but now I feel that all 4 seasons have a place in the interior of our lives. Otherwise, we aren't being our full selves. Otherwise, we are pretending that we have no moods, bad days or inclement weather in our lives. Even paradise locations have bad weather, rainy seasons, monsoons, etc, just maybe not in February.

I've always been glad February is a short month because otherwise I might not get through it. Now I think I can, since realizing that I need it like I've never needed it before. I feel like the rest of the year I have to do what everyone else wants and needs and now I just can't do anything other than what I want. What I want to do for myself. Funny, the winter of our lives usually means the end, the hibernation, the death. Now it feels like it means the period where you get to finally do what you want to do and everyone else be damned.

I'm also dealing with the sense of self. Self being the most important thing in the world. Self being on the only person worth doing anything for. I think Self is going to be my theme for now. I don't know how long it will take me to learn the lesson of self or how many mistakes I'll make along the way, pissing others off, not having any balance, etc, but this is my goal for now. True authentic self. I think that's what I need and what February was intended for in my life.

Chicago

The only part of New York, New York that is right is the "if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere."

Chicago is a much better town and like the song says "my kinda town". The people are better, the food better, everything so far is better for me.

I've been there 3 times now and I go back once more. I'm trying to figure out how to best use my limited time there. I'm looking at restaurants mainly since it will still be February when I go back. Maybe the Field Museum but I know I can't do it all in a day.

I really can't wait to go back and even more so, can't wait to go there in good weather with Simon! There is SOO much to photograph!

Ok, to focus on the food, the best food I've had so far:
1) Russian Tea Room. This is just across from the Art Institute and has fantastic food and like everywhere in Chicago, good, warm people. I had borscht there which is so good, it doesn't even need the sour cream (blasphemy) and these sweet pumpkin things that were kind of pancakes/blintzes/crepes. It was here that I realized that you need to visit cities in the cold weather months to find out what they are really like. Then I had this confirmed by hearing 2 others in the same restaurant say the same thing. They were talking about Russia, and how the best time to visit Russia is New Years. So, now I have a new travel goal.

2) Deep Dish. Growing up with NY style it took some doing to get me to even try this and when I did I still wanted to hold it instead of use a fork. This makes me laugh at myself! Chicago pizza is a real pie and is meant to be eaten with a large group of people. It is much more social and I believe the true place to "share a pie". NY is much more an individual thing, a SLICE, you can eat standing at the counter or even walking if skilled. Aint no room for that with deep dish. Just saw that the best place in town is a place called Burt's. I won't get there on the next visit though.

3) Polish/Lithuanian place by Midway. It is bad that I can't remember what it is called but this place is so authentic I felt as if it has never changed since the day they opened it. Food was strange and heavy and a bit intimidating but wonderful and deceptively complex for simple food.

Ok, now to transportation: I don't think I've felt as free and easy on public transportation since I was a young teen with friends from Jersey going into Philly, where you feel all the fun and excitement but none of the fear because you are a teen and invincible! I've probably talked to more strangers in Chicago and felt like they were decent conversations, not just chatter, than every where else in the whole world all combined. I've only been on the Orange, Blue and Red lines but I like the El a LOT.

Now to entertainment/creative opportunity: In NYC or SF I always felt like there was just too much to do and it was too exclusive somehow. In Chicago I feel like if I just had more time there I could do everything!

I could totally live in Chicago!

Commitment to blogging

So, Laura M. challenged me to write more. Maybe everyday.

I don't think she intended to do this. I don't think I have it in me, but will give it the old college try.

I told Laura that there is something very exhibitionist almost like a flasher to being a blogger. Not mine obviously.

I wanted somewhere I can write anything, so I start this, but then don't use it. Retarded.

I'm going to TRY to just write everyday, no matter what. No matter how tired or what there is to write about. Without putting any shoulds into it. What should I write? What tone should it have? etc. None of that. Just vent and dump and see what comes of it.

Not judging what I write may be the hardest part of all.