I realize that I call in sick a lot more in Feb and read a lot more in Feb. I've probably read more books in February than any other month, and I seem to particularly read the Brontes this time of year. I'm craving some Heathcliff and moors right about now.
What is it about February? I seem to get swallowed up by the bleak world around me. Christmas and New Years seem a long time ago and the brightness of summer seems to distant to be real. But what is real is the impending prescribed cheer of Spring. I can feel people longing for it, resenting the weather and bleakness of the now, just waiting to peel off their coats and get out in the sun. I feel very French right now because that idea sickens me. I know I have enjoyed it in the past and will again in the future but right now I can't stomach the idea of being light and gay and Spring-y.
Now is right. Now is bleak and doom and bundled up and coarse and pensive. There are no pastels now. Grey is all around me and I think in me. No wonder Valentine's was made for February. I don't think it was to "prove" you love someone but to prove to them that this bleak period won't last and that they are lovable and to not dwell in sadness. I'm sure that I'm no fun to be with right now. That's another thing I'm trying to deal with. To be myself is to say I don't care if I am fun to be around right now. That doesn't have to mean rude or unpleasant but just this more somber side, prickly and warts and all. Though it would be nice to hear that I'm still lovable in this state.
I feel shambling. I feel wandering and going nowhere. I am drifting but I don't think it is in a bad way. If my mood reflects the weather (as I think I'm more and more prone to SAD) I think it is right to be this way. If we should never be grey and bleak we are saying that the weather should never be this way, that February is wrong. I admit in the past I have wanted to jump over it, particularly Valentine's day and just get to Spring, but now I feel that all 4 seasons have a place in the interior of our lives. Otherwise, we aren't being our full selves. Otherwise, we are pretending that we have no moods, bad days or inclement weather in our lives. Even paradise locations have bad weather, rainy seasons, monsoons, etc, just maybe not in February.
I've always been glad February is a short month because otherwise I might not get through it. Now I think I can, since realizing that I need it like I've never needed it before. I feel like the rest of the year I have to do what everyone else wants and needs and now I just can't do anything other than what I want. What I want to do for myself. Funny, the winter of our lives usually means the end, the hibernation, the death. Now it feels like it means the period where you get to finally do what you want to do and everyone else be damned.
I'm also dealing with the sense of self. Self being the most important thing in the world. Self being on the only person worth doing anything for. I think Self is going to be my theme for now. I don't know how long it will take me to learn the lesson of self or how many mistakes I'll make along the way, pissing others off, not having any balance, etc, but this is my goal for now. True authentic self. I think that's what I need and what February was intended for in my life.
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