Dogs and death (2009 sucked)

I'm going to try to write this without crying. Oh too late.

A week ago today we put Matty, our dearly beloved sick ol' bear of a mutt, to sleep forever and buried her in the backyard.

After my soul-mate of a dog, Shadow, my golden retriever died in Dec. 2002 I never thought it would hurt as badly again. I don't know why I thought that. All pets have their own lives and therefore I have my own special regrets for each when they die.

I felt bad about Shadow obviously because I had her for 10 years. She and I bonded immediately. I carried her like a baby just when it was getting too hard to carry my 4 year old boy anymore. She was a martyr of a dog and put everyone else before her. She let Chili our botzer bite her tail. She let Merlin our first cat steal her food. She let Minkeyboodle our second cat knead her for hours. She welcomed all other pets into her life and heart even though it took time away from her to be with me.

When Merlin got sick we had to spend a lot more time with him and Shadow knew that and made her needs smaller. Looking back this is my biggest regret. I should have seen. I knew she was a worrier. She would worry about all of the kids at dog beach instead of just having a good time. She would keep rushing out to the water to "save" Josh and let him ride back on her back because it was fun for us humans. Stupid heartless humans.

When I came home after a work trip I found her sad, scared, and covered in swells and tumors. I immediately knew that she was sick, deathly sick, and knew it didn't just happen while I was gone and that this had been coming on and I was too stupid and busy taking her for granted to notice. She wasn't going to last much longer as she was diagnosed with lymphoma, very common in Goldens, and it was also advanced. We put her down in early December 2002. Christmas that year was hard but special as Simon gave me things to remember her by. I don't even know what else I got that year, but I know I got earrings with goldens on them and a necklace that holds her hair. Simon made both of them. He also had taken pix of her on her last weekend and framed them for me.

I was lucky enough to have a manager at the time that is just as big of a dog nut as I am and he was very understanding that I was in mourning. I was in mourning a long time.

Having a son to help through a tough period like this gives you a reason to get out bed, but I think I mourned still while up and going about life for at least 2 months. Another thing that helped was seeing my other dog Matty mourning also. Matty and Shadow had only been together for approximately 1.5 years and yet she was mourning. In fact Matty mourned for almost 4 months!

We adopted Matty because we are suckers. She was in a cage hoping to be adopted, looking at everyone going in and out of Petsmart very sadly. She did not seem hopeful about it. She was miserable in the cage. I could see how sweet her eyes were immediately. We talked to the rescue group that had her. They said that basically she was getting overlooked at their center as they had 40+ dogs to deal with and that she just gets overlooked. Well, I couldn't stand for that. We knew that she'd never get adopted looking so dejected so we arranged to foster her every week and bring her back on the weekends for the adoption days. We took her home, bathed her (Simon's favorite moment of her actually) and quickly fell in love. We did take her back one time to the adoption day at Petsmart but she again was miserable there and I couldn't stand to do that to her so the suckers then had 2 dogs.

Matty was a great friend and companion to Shadow and then to Minkey. She didn't care much about Merlin or Marble, just accepted them. Matty was a great dog. She was never the same after she came out of mourning for Shadow, never playful again, but she was a trooper and very affectionate. She used to have a huge fur coat (that didn't shed!!) and she was miserable in Hotlanta most of the year, but it helped that we kept her shaved. Her biggest flaw when she was younger was terrible separation anxiety which would result in her chewing anything. ANYTHING. Cans, windows, doors, carpet, etc. But only when she knew herself to be alone did she act out because she couldn't understand that we really would come back to her. I know regret everytime I punished her for this behavior. Luckily, Simon started working for Google 4 years ago so her last years were spent with us more than apart since he could take her to work. They really got a bond being together all day.

We got Matty in Sept 2001 and we put her down 11/9/2009. In the past couple of years she had really turned into a poor old lady. Eyes were failing, gaining ton of weight, less active, more problems with food, pee, poo. But this year was the worst, to the problem list she was getting dementia, couldn't get herself up to stand, would fall/stumble a lot, seeming that she has Cushing's disease, and just unhappy in general. I tried and tried talking to her that it was ok for her to go if she was unhappy or uncomfortable and most of all to not try to stick around for us. Ultimately I think she didn't listen as she just couldn't bear to be without us. Her old separation anxiety was just too strong.

In early September we met Alexei at the Lucky Dog Lounge. Again here come the suckers. He was sweet and mellow and let all the other dogs get the attention. Matty was going to need a friend at the lounge and I hoped it would be him. I was very afraid for her there since she was so old and sick but it was that or a kennel which is infinitely worse for her, or drive 7 hours out of our way to have her stay with my parents (which was no picnic for her either.) Matty did fine at the Lounge. In October though we heard that the Lounge was closing (very sad news) and that a lot of dogs needed families. We couldn't let this very handsome and sweet dog not have a home but on the other hand my number one policy was that Matty would not feel replaced, ignored or in any way a second class citizen. So, we brought Alexei home for a trial run and it all went well, with Minkey and with Matty and his general behavior. But now looking back I can see that Matty really did give way to him, just as she learned from Shadow. Matty somehow knew that she wasn't going to be around much longer I think and started to let Alexei rule. We tried to not let that happen but I think I failed.

Bad timing with him and a trip I had planned really came together for poor old bear and Simon told me she was really suffering and I had no hopes that she'd even be there when I got back. And what was there to come home to but to land and have another last day with a beloved dog and then put her down? It really tainted my trip.

I told Matty on Sunday night when I got home that I was very happy to see her and that I was glad she waited but that it would be best if she could just go in peace now as I didn't know if I had it in me to put her down. She didn't though and the next morning Simon and I had to do it. The thing that haunts me is seeing her walking towards the room where we did it. She walked sweetly wanting to be with me even though it was to her execution. This kills me. All of our other pets were too sick to walk themselves. All of my pets throughout time were carried and Shadow was even beyond carrying. I know that Matty was suffering overall, but right then she wasn't and I almost backed out of it. I just wanted it to be 100% the right thing to do, not just 95%. Even as I write I can see her face looking at me as she walks down the hall.
She laid there on me, which she never did, ever, except in the last days, just being very sweet and calm. Always so giving, even in the end. I don't know if she was ready to go but she trusted us that we would do the right thing for her.
The damn shot they give pets is just too quick. Once in it is like 10 seconds and they are gone. GONE.
Dr. Cheng was very sweet and kept petting Matty and saying things like "you've always been a good dog and your parents love you very much."


Simon was especially good to me and had taken care of the logistics of the office part before so we could just rush our blubbery selves out of there, carrying the poor bear's body. We went home and buried her next to Shadow and Merlin. The trinity of pain for me. I can't go in the backyard anymore. Putting her there said to me it is time to leave this place of pain.

For at least a year I've known this is coming. I could feel the pain moving into my heart steadily and yet, not only did I do nothing about it (which is ironic because i thought i WAS steeling myself for this, but now I see I was just deluding myself) but then went and got another dog!!!

Alexei is great and he really REALLY makes Simon happy and seems to have helped him through the pain, but I kind of look at him sometimes and think "in 5-6 years, if we are lucky, we'll be back in the exact same place!"

And we had two other sweet dog/extended family members leave in the last 13 months. Chilidog, the original botzer had to be put down October 2008 and then just this past October the sweet Phanny, Phanstable, short for Phantom, Josh's fave dog ever, even more than Shadow, died. We were not there to see either of them go. :( This saddens me. I know that my folks did the right thing, especially for Phanny as she was having seizures, Grand Mal, at the last. I'm going to miss her so much this Christmas as Christmas was her very favorite.

I'm trying to focus on the good and the happiness that we all had together but I just don't feel it. I feel regret. I feel pain. I feel true remorse. I can't imagine living without pets, especially dogs as they are the most pure things on earth, but I wish I could imagine a world of no pain, just the pleasure and happiness of dogs.

Two different U2 songs, particularly these lines keep ringing through my head. They help and they hurt.
Sick of Sorrow. Sick of the pain.
I know it aches and your heart it breaks. You can only take so much.

And like the next line of the song, I must "Walk on".

Damn I suck (On Writing)

Where to start when you haven't blogged in almost 9 months! Enough time to carry a baby full term.

I think I'm too busy to write. There is always so much to do. I'm missing a ton of stuff every week in ATL because there is just so much to do in ATL and not much of it is close. And then the house is in shambles and I have so much to do if we'll ever get rid of the damn thing. Plus the holidays are coming so I feel impending doom of even more to do.

This is why writers have special little rooms to limit distractions. This is why a lot of writers live in cold places. I need the cold and quiet. I do not have a quiet mind and this is what I need to write. With so much to do and Simon, who is quiet like a toddler with a tummy full of cotton candy at the amusement park for the day, I just can't focus on anything.

The other thing that makes it hard for me to write is that a lot of times I feel with writing it is about finishing. For me the writing is about the doing and finding the right word to express what I'm thinking and feeling. Getting that down on paper is the accomplishment but that doesn't mean there is an end. No end in sign nor even an ending point. So, maybe this blogging thing will work for me as every entry can be seen as a victory since it has its own ending point.

Finding quiet time and places:
Yesterday we went walking our new dog Alexei up Kennesaw Mountain. We went very late in the day so we didn't have long which is the bad part, but the good part is that most people were leaving. I wish I could be there alone. It was so nice at twilight with the sounds of the squirrels and chipmunks scampering through the leaves as the only sound. I know I should be going to all of the events/attractions in GA that I can before we leave it but all I really want to do is spend all day in the wilderness and quiet. Then go into the city for an occasional musical. :)

February

February is the hardest month for me. I guess I've always known this on some level but I'm trying to deal with it now.

I realize that I call in sick a lot more in Feb and read a lot more in Feb. I've probably read more books in February than any other month, and I seem to particularly read the Brontes this time of year. I'm craving some Heathcliff and moors right about now.


What is it about February? I seem to get swallowed up by the bleak world around me. Christmas and New Years seem a long time ago and the brightness of summer seems to distant to be real. But what is real is the impending prescribed cheer of Spring. I can feel people longing for it, resenting the weather and bleakness of the now, just waiting to peel off their coats and get out in the sun. I feel very French right now because that idea sickens me. I know I have enjoyed it in the past and will again in the future but right now I can't stomach the idea of being light and gay and Spring-y.

Now is right. Now is bleak and doom and bundled up and coarse and pensive. There are no pastels now. Grey is all around me and I think in me. No wonder Valentine's was made for February. I don't think it was to "prove" you love someone but to prove to them that this bleak period won't last and that they are lovable and to not dwell in sadness. I'm sure that I'm no fun to be with right now. That's another thing I'm trying to deal with. To be myself is to say I don't care if I am fun to be around right now. That doesn't have to mean rude or unpleasant but just this more somber side, prickly and warts and all. Though it would be nice to hear that I'm still lovable in this state.

I feel shambling. I feel wandering and going nowhere. I am drifting but I don't think it is in a bad way. If my mood reflects the weather (as I think I'm more and more prone to SAD) I think it is right to be this way. If we should never be grey and bleak we are saying that the weather should never be this way, that February is wrong. I admit in the past I have wanted to jump over it, particularly Valentine's day and just get to Spring, but now I feel that all 4 seasons have a place in the interior of our lives. Otherwise, we aren't being our full selves. Otherwise, we are pretending that we have no moods, bad days or inclement weather in our lives. Even paradise locations have bad weather, rainy seasons, monsoons, etc, just maybe not in February.

I've always been glad February is a short month because otherwise I might not get through it. Now I think I can, since realizing that I need it like I've never needed it before. I feel like the rest of the year I have to do what everyone else wants and needs and now I just can't do anything other than what I want. What I want to do for myself. Funny, the winter of our lives usually means the end, the hibernation, the death. Now it feels like it means the period where you get to finally do what you want to do and everyone else be damned.

I'm also dealing with the sense of self. Self being the most important thing in the world. Self being on the only person worth doing anything for. I think Self is going to be my theme for now. I don't know how long it will take me to learn the lesson of self or how many mistakes I'll make along the way, pissing others off, not having any balance, etc, but this is my goal for now. True authentic self. I think that's what I need and what February was intended for in my life.

Chicago

The only part of New York, New York that is right is the "if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere."

Chicago is a much better town and like the song says "my kinda town". The people are better, the food better, everything so far is better for me.

I've been there 3 times now and I go back once more. I'm trying to figure out how to best use my limited time there. I'm looking at restaurants mainly since it will still be February when I go back. Maybe the Field Museum but I know I can't do it all in a day.

I really can't wait to go back and even more so, can't wait to go there in good weather with Simon! There is SOO much to photograph!

Ok, to focus on the food, the best food I've had so far:
1) Russian Tea Room. This is just across from the Art Institute and has fantastic food and like everywhere in Chicago, good, warm people. I had borscht there which is so good, it doesn't even need the sour cream (blasphemy) and these sweet pumpkin things that were kind of pancakes/blintzes/crepes. It was here that I realized that you need to visit cities in the cold weather months to find out what they are really like. Then I had this confirmed by hearing 2 others in the same restaurant say the same thing. They were talking about Russia, and how the best time to visit Russia is New Years. So, now I have a new travel goal.

2) Deep Dish. Growing up with NY style it took some doing to get me to even try this and when I did I still wanted to hold it instead of use a fork. This makes me laugh at myself! Chicago pizza is a real pie and is meant to be eaten with a large group of people. It is much more social and I believe the true place to "share a pie". NY is much more an individual thing, a SLICE, you can eat standing at the counter or even walking if skilled. Aint no room for that with deep dish. Just saw that the best place in town is a place called Burt's. I won't get there on the next visit though.

3) Polish/Lithuanian place by Midway. It is bad that I can't remember what it is called but this place is so authentic I felt as if it has never changed since the day they opened it. Food was strange and heavy and a bit intimidating but wonderful and deceptively complex for simple food.

Ok, now to transportation: I don't think I've felt as free and easy on public transportation since I was a young teen with friends from Jersey going into Philly, where you feel all the fun and excitement but none of the fear because you are a teen and invincible! I've probably talked to more strangers in Chicago and felt like they were decent conversations, not just chatter, than every where else in the whole world all combined. I've only been on the Orange, Blue and Red lines but I like the El a LOT.

Now to entertainment/creative opportunity: In NYC or SF I always felt like there was just too much to do and it was too exclusive somehow. In Chicago I feel like if I just had more time there I could do everything!

I could totally live in Chicago!

Commitment to blogging

So, Laura M. challenged me to write more. Maybe everyday.

I don't think she intended to do this. I don't think I have it in me, but will give it the old college try.

I told Laura that there is something very exhibitionist almost like a flasher to being a blogger. Not mine obviously.

I wanted somewhere I can write anything, so I start this, but then don't use it. Retarded.

I'm going to TRY to just write everyday, no matter what. No matter how tired or what there is to write about. Without putting any shoulds into it. What should I write? What tone should it have? etc. None of that. Just vent and dump and see what comes of it.

Not judging what I write may be the hardest part of all.