When Sheryl Crow's Tuesday Night Music Club came out in 1993 I, along with the rest of the country, picked straw from my clothes from riding on the bandwagon so much.
However, that did not mean that I listened to every song. Some, to be frank, were just not that good. But one, while excellent, bothered me so much, I had to put the cd away. And I did, till just today, when Simon bought it at our favorite Denver music store Twist and Shout. At first I just humored him, "buying Tuesday Night Music club? Really?" ran through my head but as we drove home listening to it, it took me right back to where I was in 1993. 19 years later makes a big difference.
In 1993, as memory goes, I was in San Diego, separated from my then in name only husband, living with my parents, working, going to school and trying to raise my 3 and a half year old. I honestly don't remember if at this point we had filed for divorce or not yet. I've obviously done a really good job blocking out a lot of this period. But I do know this: I hated Strong Enough.
It was wrong on every level as a woman. If you are brave enough to realize that not just any ol' guy is worthy and strong enough to be your man, why on earth would you want him to lie to you? Why would you tell him to lie to you and is it promise or admit that you'd believe him? Know what you get if you let him to lie to you? A weak man. A guy who runs out on you and your kid. A liar. How could any woman like this song? How could the record industry promote Sheryl Crow as a strong woman in the business and a success story? This one song and Sheryl illustrated everything wrong with womanhood: happily willing to take a guy who lies to you and begs him not to leave. I refused to listen to that song as a stand against my husband, the mistakes I made and the vow that I would never be that weak and stupid again.
For 19 years if that song came on the radio I turned it off. If that song was playing anywhere I couldn't get away from I got angry and irritable and wanted to leave. When it came on today I would have turned it off immediately out of habit but for one reason: Simon wanted to listen to this cd. He told me before he put it in that he didn't want any talking through it as he wanted to wallow in the melancholia that this cd is to him. So I listened. I really listened to the song for the first time since 1993.
I'm proud to say that I finally get it. I'm embarrassed that it took me this long. I AM with someone strong enough to be my man now. This is the key difference. For me, this song can only be understood by someone who does have someone, really have someone, weaknesses and all, but is secure in that relationship. It may seem contradictory, but that's the nature of the song.
She feels like hell, there are things going on that are troubling her, but mainly, she's come to a realization of who she is and knows she's not going to change, for good or for ill. She knows that the guy she's with right now knows this about her and has stuck around. She's not coming out with the crazy for the first time, he's seen it, he knows her moods, her highs, her lows, her talents and that she's a loser too. He's stayed. And for all the right reasons. But sometimes, even with this guy, she has a hard time believing he's stayed and will continue to stay. The evidence to the contrary, her feelings need some affirmation. And in the state she's in she needs to hear him say it. What if he doesn't feel strong at the moment that she needs to hear it? She knows she's ugly right now and in a bad way and just needs to hear it so she's willing to hear a lie. That still gets me. But I can relate.
I know with all of my heart now how strong of a man my Simon is and how he'd never hurt or leave me. But do I always feel this way? Hell no. Do I need to hear it every day? No of course not and most days I don't, but I do see it. I see that he comes home happy to see me. And he's happy to spend time with me even when most others aren't. And even when I'm down or ugly or worse yet ugly to him and mean and bitter and shallow and cutting and defensive and self-centered and haven't realized how I've hurt him. And yet he stays. So he is allowed to lie to me if he's just not feeling it that day that I ask him, so needy, to stay with me anyway. He's totally earned it.
However, that did not mean that I listened to every song. Some, to be frank, were just not that good. But one, while excellent, bothered me so much, I had to put the cd away. And I did, till just today, when Simon bought it at our favorite Denver music store Twist and Shout. At first I just humored him, "buying Tuesday Night Music club? Really?" ran through my head but as we drove home listening to it, it took me right back to where I was in 1993. 19 years later makes a big difference.
In 1993, as memory goes, I was in San Diego, separated from my then in name only husband, living with my parents, working, going to school and trying to raise my 3 and a half year old. I honestly don't remember if at this point we had filed for divorce or not yet. I've obviously done a really good job blocking out a lot of this period. But I do know this: I hated Strong Enough.
It was wrong on every level as a woman. If you are brave enough to realize that not just any ol' guy is worthy and strong enough to be your man, why on earth would you want him to lie to you? Why would you tell him to lie to you and is it promise or admit that you'd believe him? Know what you get if you let him to lie to you? A weak man. A guy who runs out on you and your kid. A liar. How could any woman like this song? How could the record industry promote Sheryl Crow as a strong woman in the business and a success story? This one song and Sheryl illustrated everything wrong with womanhood: happily willing to take a guy who lies to you and begs him not to leave. I refused to listen to that song as a stand against my husband, the mistakes I made and the vow that I would never be that weak and stupid again.
For 19 years if that song came on the radio I turned it off. If that song was playing anywhere I couldn't get away from I got angry and irritable and wanted to leave. When it came on today I would have turned it off immediately out of habit but for one reason: Simon wanted to listen to this cd. He told me before he put it in that he didn't want any talking through it as he wanted to wallow in the melancholia that this cd is to him. So I listened. I really listened to the song for the first time since 1993.
I'm proud to say that I finally get it. I'm embarrassed that it took me this long. I AM with someone strong enough to be my man now. This is the key difference. For me, this song can only be understood by someone who does have someone, really have someone, weaknesses and all, but is secure in that relationship. It may seem contradictory, but that's the nature of the song.
She feels like hell, there are things going on that are troubling her, but mainly, she's come to a realization of who she is and knows she's not going to change, for good or for ill. She knows that the guy she's with right now knows this about her and has stuck around. She's not coming out with the crazy for the first time, he's seen it, he knows her moods, her highs, her lows, her talents and that she's a loser too. He's stayed. And for all the right reasons. But sometimes, even with this guy, she has a hard time believing he's stayed and will continue to stay. The evidence to the contrary, her feelings need some affirmation. And in the state she's in she needs to hear him say it. What if he doesn't feel strong at the moment that she needs to hear it? She knows she's ugly right now and in a bad way and just needs to hear it so she's willing to hear a lie. That still gets me. But I can relate.
I know with all of my heart now how strong of a man my Simon is and how he'd never hurt or leave me. But do I always feel this way? Hell no. Do I need to hear it every day? No of course not and most days I don't, but I do see it. I see that he comes home happy to see me. And he's happy to spend time with me even when most others aren't. And even when I'm down or ugly or worse yet ugly to him and mean and bitter and shallow and cutting and defensive and self-centered and haven't realized how I've hurt him. And yet he stays. So he is allowed to lie to me if he's just not feeling it that day that I ask him, so needy, to stay with me anyway. He's totally earned it.
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