Ipod--part 1 of 2 part series. Part 1: My top 25 most played

Some things about Ipods are ingenious, such as knowing your top 25 most played. Looking at mine it is shocking and revealing. So, let's look at who and why and what the top 25 say to me/mean to me.

My 25 most played--no kidding:
Glee, Adele, Florence and the Machine, Ray LaMontaigne, English Beat (The Beat), Flight of the Conchords, The Frames/Swell Season, Head and the Heart,Damien Rice, Mumford and Sons, Lifescapes (relaxation/stress relief music), Eddie Vedder, U2: Live in Paris, Dashboard Confession (MTV unplugged), Black Keys, Chicago Soundtrack,  Celtic Playlist, Fleetwood Mac: Rumours, Prince and the Revolution: Purple Rain, YoYo Ma, Sinead O'Connor, Russian Favorites, Kelly Clarkson, Regina Spektor: Live in London and Gogol Bordello.


Many of you are shaking your heads at this list. For those who know me really well you are asking yourself: "U2 is so far down the list? Only one album? What the hell is Kelly Clarkson doing on this list? Where's Wicked? Where's Weller/Jam/Style Council? " And the right question really is Where are a LOT of people?

Back in March my ipod lost a TON of my music and all podcasts, etc.,  when I switched it from a PC to a MAC. You'd think it would know how to do that better. Genius my ass! What remained were just the items I bought off of itunes, as well as had ripped from cds onto this mac. (I go to the library a lot and get stuff that way as well as hit my fave store Twist and Shout in Denver.)  That's it. I've been living with just 4036 songs for months! OH such a 'white person' problem! However, I used to have, well, I don't know how many, they were lost, ya see? So it has been difficult and I've felt like I didn't have much variety of anything on here and just kept listening to the same stuff over and over.  I had stuff that worked for me and frankly didn't know what some of the other stuff was and I was never in the mood to find out. So, into a rut I went and after approx. 2 months I couldn't handle it anymore. Today I played my ipod on, wait for it, SHUFFLE! RANDOM?  I'm way too type A for that right? Well, every once and a while I can surprise myself. Today I decided to NOT BE AFRAID OF MY iPOD!  But before I ventured into the unknown I wanted to get an idea of what the ol' higher technology has been tracking for me. You've heard of most of these bands/music but let me break it down for ya and figure out what it means to be played more than hundreds of other artists and thousands of other songs.

Glee--good all around mix. Singing along with, dancing, cleaning, etc. I believe this is their goal.
Adele--you just *may* have heard of her. Beautiful songs/moody and feel like belting it out. And I can cause no one is around and (almost) no one hear me. Inspires me that a sophomore effort can be better and we can all improve and reach amazing heights.
Florence and the Machine--combo of belting it out along with being ethereal and odd but mobile
Ray LaMontaigne --gorgeous songs, esp to sleep with or enjoy a quiet rainy day. Had a bunch this Spring. Also, he was the first performance for me at Red Rocks so that's a great memory.
English Beat (aka The Beat to those outside of America)--gotta have ska to make me happy and help me get anything done around house. Summer in SD feel. Old 91X days!
Flight of the Conchords --weekend a.m. music. Sets the tone for the rest of the day/weekend--FUN and funny. Too many mutha'uckas ucking with my shi' ... and it keeps us on track with our sweet weekly sex in our business socks http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU in my old AmeriCorps t-shirt.
Sexy no? (and mine is considerably more paint-splattered and thread-bare since it is 15 years old)

The Frames/Swell Season--Irish version and combo between Adele and Ray which means I'm moody but not in a bad mood, just soo deep and emotional.  If you haven't seen the movie ONCE  see it and you'll be a fan!
Head and the Heart--the requisite Pac NW hipster band--good tunes, nice variety, helps me feel current and edgy, like I'm not stuck in the 80s/90s--I'm still cool!
Damien Rice--edgy, sad, belt it out Irish, deep and angry and beautiful, I am concentrating only on this music mood/feeling only emotions. Nothing else exists when this is on. Talking is not allowed.
Mumford and Sons--a bit mixed--complex, deep, traditional but modern, bringing Irish folk sound to the masses and making it current. Feeling conflicted but working on it and always growing kind of mood, Yeah, I fucked it up but I'm more than that and can be poignant and dance at the same time.
Lifescapes: relaxation/stress relief--sleeping or reading pretty much only. Spa feeling when I can't get to a spa/can't afford it.
Eddie Vedder--his Ukelele songs are so simple and sparse takes me right to a beach in Hawaii, the way he intended. Good travel planning/thinking about other places music. However, I used to listen to his soundtrack to Into The Wild  all the time before it was erased by the capricious god called Apple.  http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2115475456/tt0758758   If you have never seen the movie/heard the soundtrack--DO IT NOW. This is THE Eddie cd--AMAZING and transporting. Takes you to unknown and solitary places in your soul and you come out better for it.
U2: Live in Paris --U2 live is always great but this one hits me cause it was on the cusp of them getting too big---they don't really realize it yet--I listen to as many live performances as possible. This cd has some of my fave U2 songs. Sing along/summer outdoor concert feel. Great to blast through the whole house and to outside. Nice that it is my most recent U2 acquisition and not played a million times yet, still just in the hundreds. ;-)
Dashboard Confessional (MTV unplugged only)--live recording with the crowd almost singing over the performance makes it awesome. Great 20s angst feel, angry, clever, hurt, heart on sleeve, hold nothing back emotion, SCREAMING infidelities cause no one is around and I can do that. Did I mention that I live on the top of a mountain and forget I have neighbors? Maybe there is a reason we've seen no bears yet. Naaah.
Black Keys--edgier and bluesy version of the same feel I would listen to Head and the Heart for.
Chicago Soundtrack--sing, dance, get housework done and make it a good time music--"I am the biggest Mother......Hen"
My Celtic Playlist: this is a playlist I made of lots of typical "Irish" pub music, most have no words, just a LOT of good fiddle and good memories of being in Ireland so it is my heart calling me back 'home' and being nostalgic.
Fleetwood Mac: Rumours--a very interesting album to listen to now as an adult. It came out in 1977 and I kinda grew up with it and now it all makes sense! I should write up a whole piece on just this. Weirdly makes me think of middle-school and lots of relationship stuff while I do stuff around the house.
Prince and the Revolution: Purple Rain--sometimes do housework to this but mainly it is just feel good dance music--you really can't think of much else when this is playing. And come on: Oh-RE-Oh-RE-Oh! So you get Morris Day and the Time too!
YoYo Ma: to listen to while reading a book. Beautiful. Cello is the best and he's the best. I can't really read a book and listen to music with words so this is perfect. You can picture me listening to this and reading can't you?
Sinead O'Connor--More moody Irish music you say? Not enough of belting it out and feeling pain and being angry at the government and the lost country/culture yet? Nope, not yet.  I really love all Celtic music and felt at home in Ireland. Hearing Gaelic spoken/sung is amazing. (Have you counted the number of Irish on this list?) ALL of Sinead's work is brilliant. She's brilliant.  Is she crazy? Yep. Crazy good. http://www.sineadoconnor.com/  Her Sean-Nos Nua album is NOT to be missed: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sean-N%C3%B3s_Nua
here's one of the best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wR0CjBtsG8I&feature=related
NO one will question how I can listen to her so much.
Russian Favorites--I have no idea, don't understand one word in any song, and yet the Russian folk sound speaks to me. I love listening to it and knowing that I've been there before somehow and that one day I will go there for the first time. Since I don't know what they are saying I can read to this but only things like magazines, not books.  To give you an idea: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MAngjlaVnM&feature=related
Kelly Clarkson--again, you may be asking what she's doing on this list? I find that I can listen to her while doing other stuff and be present in both, what I'm doing and her music. She's more than just pop, and she gets more and more interesting as she matures. Would my life suck without her? Hmm, don't think so, but she adds to it.  And no, I don't/never have watched Idol.
Regina Spektor: Live in London--she's amazing! So heartfelt. Totally sing-along or equally good just listening to her quirky voice and irregular rhythms. She takes me all over in her music: To Russia, to NYC, and to LA because of the movie 500 days of Summer (again, if you haven't seen it you are missing out!) and then to London because this was recorded there. And to ATL where we first saw her in concert. The mood is happy and whimsical for most of the cd, a bit ethereal and sad too, but always pure Regina.
Gogol Bordello--first of all, Q: why they are last on here?  A: my dumb Ipod only has 1 album of theirs and I can't over-play it so they would be higher if I could listen to all of it.  ALL of their stuff is brilliant and twisted and fun and THE BEST live performers I've ever seen.  Gypsy/Punk/electric and manic version of the traditional Russian folk songs REALLY are amazing and get you going. Three languages in each song usually.  I can listen to them and dance and sing the day away and it is almost as good as being there, no idiots in the mosh pit that way. Well, one idiot, but I doubt I'll get too hurt in the kitchen.  In case you don't know of them, fix that now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzDvHK1hevY
This link takes you to them performing in Jools Holland's studio so if they are this good in a studio--wow! (notice that everyone in the studio can't stay still!)  Also, love Jools and his is THE best music tv show ever--America has never come close.

So, why post this? What have we all learned boys and girls beyond that I have awesome musical taste and that I can't do any housework without music? Well, first,  my most amazing and patient hubby is working on restoring all of our collective music and fixing my ipod,  but in the meantime I decided to live on the wild side and let my shuffle option play for me so I could compare how I feel listening to the above 25 vs random. The random will be blog part 2.

Going through this list and thinking about why I play it so often and how it makes me feel was a really good experiment. I mean, how sucky is it when someone asks you why you like something so much and you can't explain why, right? So, this was helpful to me. It made me consciously see the patterns that have been forming, at least for the last 2-3 months. Now I wish I knew how the pattern would have been different say 1-5 years ago. Wait, how long have iPods been around?  (ahhh... the old walkman) Anyway, it is interesting to see which music really means something to you, what sticks with you and for how long. I plan to check back on this every so often.  If you gotta work on house projects the above music is good to get you through in a good mood.  Oh, and go to Ireland! I promise--worth it.

You wouldn't know it: Inaugural National Mobility Awareness Month Commences in May Saluting the More than 18 Million with Disabilities

Please first read this article: 
Inaugural National Mobility Awareness Month Commences in May Saluting the More than 18 Million with Disabilities

In April my Mother in Law contacted me about her upcoming visit to the Mile High City with a request for a seemingly common product. It turned in to a major fiasco and Road to Damascus moment for me about how the US is all talk about independence and the individual. First some background:

My MIL needs  a wheelchair due to a nervous condition. She can walk but only for a few steps before she becomes exhausted. As she and her husband have aged she's had to rely more on electronic wheelchairs but prefers her manual one and usually it is good enough.  Mainly, she must travel with the collapse- able manual one as the electronic one is just a bear to travel with. Ask yourself, how would you even travel with one of those?
However, since she is frail and everyone is getting older and doesn't want to tax any of us in this 5280--8700 elevation with pushing her manual wheelchair, she wisely let me know about a battery pack option: http://www.tgamobility.co.uk/range/powerpacks 


As you can see, these are quite easy to understand and are quite common. Basically you attach a battery pack to a manual wheelchair to give it some power and help propel the chair so the person pushing isn't working so hard.  Definitely a great idea for hilly areas and a boon, like oxygen based businesses for the Colorado altitude. SO easy to understand and SUCH a smart idea. I naively assumed that in the matter of minutes I would find one here for her, whether to buy or to rent.

I then spent 5 hours on internet research and the phone talking to folks in the wheelchair and other DME industry folks to find out that the vast majority have never heard of such a product.  A few folks were open to the idea of it. Some couldn't understand it until I sent them the same link as above. Pretty much everyone accepted the idea of it as being a great thing but a few were closed minded to it and just encouraged me to rent her an electric wheelchair. I'm not sure if you know but those are not cheap and certainly not an option for many due to:
1) One cannot really operate them alone and one certainly cannot get them in and out of a vehicle alone. Remember, they do not fold like the manual ones do. Most are complex and weigh hundreds of pounds.
2) The only kinds of vehicles which can house this mammoth chair are vans with special mechanisms to lift the chair in and out. As you can imagine these are not cheap. No regular vehicle rental company rents these types and there is no company that does near the airport.
In fact, this national mobility month illustrates that there are handicapped folks out there trying to win a vehicle like this because they are very expensive.

Again, NO ONE said "let me try to get one for you".  No one in the mobility market actually seemed to care to provide what could make someone more mobile and independent.  Of course this got my goat!
 Over the course of that week I spent a good deal of time talking to professional care takers and county and regional government offices and charities trying to find out if any of these groups have this device, have heard of it and basically what is to be done to help these folks be more mobile and independent.  Bottom line: I am shocked at how backwards we are and how we are living as ostriches about this problem.

Not to put too fine a point on it but I do want to make sure that the issues are clear.  The US is supposedly for the individual and the independent. Certain groups, particularly the Libertarians and the GOP are adamantly against any kind of taxed program that promotes the socialistic idea that we need to take care of the needs of others.  Groups opposed to such basics do so because they hold an ignorantly selfish idea that all individuals should meet their own needs and that all have the money to pay out the wazoo for personal assistants,  medical care takers and equipment to do so.
 However,
1) my MIL is being told to rent an electric wheelchair here in the states which would require at a minimum 1 other person to travel with, to help her at the airport, the rental facility, etc. (it really would take 3 of us probably)
2) At home in England she can go around either in her manual or electric wheelchair and do everything she needs to do because her government, not a car company, has funded her with a device in a regular vehicle to lift up the chair, thus she is able to travel the country ALONE as she sees fit.
3) Battery packs here are not available because "they are not economically viable options in the DME (durable medical equipment) industry.  Who says?  How was this decided? I could not get to the bottom of that unfortunately. Thus it ended up that she had to buy one of the English battery packs there and will have to transport it here, thus taking up a good chunk of her allotted baggage and I get the fun of charging it here. However, I am happy that the good English companies that had the vision to make the product and are the ones who truly respect people's needs and wants to be independent are the ones rewarded with the patronage.

For the US, I shake my head. I believe that the car companies and the wheelchair companies just want you to believe they are the only option and buy their much more expensive options.  Corporations here are far too powerful. As a nation we are ignorant of the true problems of those with disabilities and those who are just differently-abled.  We are preying on those who need the most help and those who most deserve to feel like they can live a normal life.  The closest I can find in this country is this: http://www.frankmobility.com/viamobil.php
It seems like a good product but please note, it is only to buy, none to rent, takes weeks or months to receive after you order and still costs thousands of dollars (at time of writing cost is $4995. Please remember that the one in England sells for 699 pounds which at time of writing is $1131.)

Imagine if those with disabilities were able to truly live independently.  I would like it very much if we can figure out a better way and welcome all feedback. I'm trying to figure it out and have not yet. Hopefully this is a start.

Feb 3 2009--revisited. aka "Going Public"

If you read my 2/3/09 post you'll see I'm still struggling with the same issues. Talk about being stuck. No progress in over 3 years--SHAMEFUL!

What can be done about this problem? The only thing that might work is going public. I've sent the link to a few friends to get some feedback about the public viability of such a blog. One comment was that it is so personal it makes her feel voyeuristic to read it.  I get that but I'm struggling with it too.

I've read a lot of other blogs out there. Sure some are just topical and funny and mainly superficial but some are very deep and poignant and soul-searching. However, I can't think of a soul-baring one where I personally know the writer. That must be the difference.

I don't mean to make anyone uncomfortable. The freedom to say whatever I want to say is absolutely necessary or I just can't and won't write. I'm trying to break down barriers to writing here and need to keep it real. If I know that someone out there might read this blog maybe I really can get committed to writing every day.  Every author says to write everyday, no matter what.  A lot of them say like a job but that's not motivating for me. Like a compulsion is closer to how I see it. Lawd knows I have enough inner monologues going on I should be able to write daily and compulsively. 

In this spirit, this blog is now public. We'll have to see how it develops over the next few months. So far I've felt very creative this whole 7 days of May.  Hope to build on this. Since May is my birth month and I just started my 44th year on this planet, maybe this is a great creative rebirth. Or maybe only strangers should read my blog.  Stay tuned.

Strong Enough--1993 Revisited

When Sheryl Crow's Tuesday Night Music Club came out in 1993 I, along with the rest of the country,  picked straw from my clothes from riding on the bandwagon so much.
However, that did not mean that I listened to every song. Some, to be frank, were just not that good. But one, while excellent, bothered me so much, I had to put the cd away. And I did, till just today, when Simon bought it at our favorite Denver music store Twist and Shout. At first I just humored him, "buying Tuesday Night Music club? Really?" ran through my head but as we drove home listening to it, it took me right back to where I was in 1993. 19 years later makes a big difference.

In 1993, as memory goes, I was in San Diego, separated from my then in name only husband, living with my parents, working, going to school and trying to raise my 3 and a half year old.  I honestly don't remember if at this point we had filed for divorce or not yet.  I've obviously done a really good job blocking out a lot of this period. But I do know this: I hated Strong Enough.

It was wrong on every level as a woman. If you are brave enough to realize that not just any ol' guy is worthy and strong enough to be your man, why on earth would you want him to lie to you? Why would you tell him to lie to you and is it promise or admit that you'd believe him?  Know what you get if you let him to lie to you?  A weak man. A guy who runs out on you and your kid. A liar. How could any woman like this song? How could the record industry promote Sheryl Crow as a strong woman in the  business and a success story? This one song and Sheryl illustrated everything wrong with womanhood: happily willing to take a guy who lies to you and begs him not to leave. I refused to listen to that song as a stand against my husband, the mistakes I made and the vow that I would never be that weak and stupid again.

For 19 years if that song came on the radio I turned it off. If that song was playing anywhere I couldn't get away from I got angry and irritable and wanted to leave. When it came on today I would have turned it off immediately out of habit but for one reason: Simon wanted to listen to this cd. He told me before he put it in that he didn't want any talking through it as he wanted to wallow in the melancholia that this cd is to him. So I listened. I really listened to the song for the first time since 1993.

I'm proud to say that I finally get it. I'm embarrassed that it took me this long. I AM with someone strong enough to be my man now. This is the key difference. For me, this song can only be understood by someone who does have someone, really have someone, weaknesses and all, but is secure in that relationship. It may seem contradictory, but that's the nature of the song.

She feels like hell, there are things going on that are troubling her, but mainly, she's come to a realization of who she is and knows she's not going to change, for good or for ill. She knows that the guy she's with right now knows this about her and has stuck around. She's not coming out with the crazy for the first time, he's seen it, he knows her moods, her highs, her lows, her talents and that she's a loser too. He's stayed. And for all the right reasons.  But sometimes, even with this guy, she has a hard time believing he's stayed and will continue to stay. The evidence to the contrary, her feelings need some affirmation.  And in the state she's in she needs to hear him say it. What if he doesn't feel strong at the moment that she needs to hear it? She knows she's ugly right now and in a bad way and just needs to hear it so she's willing to hear a lie. That still gets me. But I can relate.

I know with all of my heart now how strong of a man my Simon is and how he'd never hurt or leave me. But do I always feel this way? Hell no. Do I need to hear it every day? No of course not and most days I don't, but I do see it. I see that he comes home happy to see me. And he's happy to spend time with me even when most others aren't. And even when I'm down or ugly or worse yet ugly to him and mean and bitter and shallow and cutting and defensive and self-centered and haven't realized how I've hurt him. And yet he stays. So he is allowed to lie to me if he's just not feeling it that day that I ask him, so needy, to stay with me anyway. He's totally earned it.

First day of the rest of my life

So, today marks the first day of "unemployment" but it is really day 1 on project "figure out what I want to do". So far, my only revelations are to bring vaseline with me on my dog walks. DAMN is my face wind-burned. 2.2 miles this am, very easy pace and didn't get too winded in the 8500-8700 elevation so that's good. Only took approx. 49 mins!
This is exceedingly impressive since I'm still sick and got a lot of phlegm out on the walk. I think I stopped to spit more than Lex did to pee.

So, rest of day: laundry, making calls, tidying up, working on re-arranging loft and organization of it.

Going for feng shui, zen approach to this life changing stuff. Trying to unblock the mind and the creativity by de-cluttering the home. This is first step.

Dogs and death (2009 sucked)

I'm going to try to write this without crying. Oh too late.

A week ago today we put Matty, our dearly beloved sick ol' bear of a mutt, to sleep forever and buried her in the backyard.

After my soul-mate of a dog, Shadow, my golden retriever died in Dec. 2002 I never thought it would hurt as badly again. I don't know why I thought that. All pets have their own lives and therefore I have my own special regrets for each when they die.

I felt bad about Shadow obviously because I had her for 10 years. She and I bonded immediately. I carried her like a baby just when it was getting too hard to carry my 4 year old boy anymore. She was a martyr of a dog and put everyone else before her. She let Chili our botzer bite her tail. She let Merlin our first cat steal her food. She let Minkeyboodle our second cat knead her for hours. She welcomed all other pets into her life and heart even though it took time away from her to be with me.

When Merlin got sick we had to spend a lot more time with him and Shadow knew that and made her needs smaller. Looking back this is my biggest regret. I should have seen. I knew she was a worrier. She would worry about all of the kids at dog beach instead of just having a good time. She would keep rushing out to the water to "save" Josh and let him ride back on her back because it was fun for us humans. Stupid heartless humans.

When I came home after a work trip I found her sad, scared, and covered in swells and tumors. I immediately knew that she was sick, deathly sick, and knew it didn't just happen while I was gone and that this had been coming on and I was too stupid and busy taking her for granted to notice. She wasn't going to last much longer as she was diagnosed with lymphoma, very common in Goldens, and it was also advanced. We put her down in early December 2002. Christmas that year was hard but special as Simon gave me things to remember her by. I don't even know what else I got that year, but I know I got earrings with goldens on them and a necklace that holds her hair. Simon made both of them. He also had taken pix of her on her last weekend and framed them for me.

I was lucky enough to have a manager at the time that is just as big of a dog nut as I am and he was very understanding that I was in mourning. I was in mourning a long time.

Having a son to help through a tough period like this gives you a reason to get out bed, but I think I mourned still while up and going about life for at least 2 months. Another thing that helped was seeing my other dog Matty mourning also. Matty and Shadow had only been together for approximately 1.5 years and yet she was mourning. In fact Matty mourned for almost 4 months!

We adopted Matty because we are suckers. She was in a cage hoping to be adopted, looking at everyone going in and out of Petsmart very sadly. She did not seem hopeful about it. She was miserable in the cage. I could see how sweet her eyes were immediately. We talked to the rescue group that had her. They said that basically she was getting overlooked at their center as they had 40+ dogs to deal with and that she just gets overlooked. Well, I couldn't stand for that. We knew that she'd never get adopted looking so dejected so we arranged to foster her every week and bring her back on the weekends for the adoption days. We took her home, bathed her (Simon's favorite moment of her actually) and quickly fell in love. We did take her back one time to the adoption day at Petsmart but she again was miserable there and I couldn't stand to do that to her so the suckers then had 2 dogs.

Matty was a great friend and companion to Shadow and then to Minkey. She didn't care much about Merlin or Marble, just accepted them. Matty was a great dog. She was never the same after she came out of mourning for Shadow, never playful again, but she was a trooper and very affectionate. She used to have a huge fur coat (that didn't shed!!) and she was miserable in Hotlanta most of the year, but it helped that we kept her shaved. Her biggest flaw when she was younger was terrible separation anxiety which would result in her chewing anything. ANYTHING. Cans, windows, doors, carpet, etc. But only when she knew herself to be alone did she act out because she couldn't understand that we really would come back to her. I know regret everytime I punished her for this behavior. Luckily, Simon started working for Google 4 years ago so her last years were spent with us more than apart since he could take her to work. They really got a bond being together all day.

We got Matty in Sept 2001 and we put her down 11/9/2009. In the past couple of years she had really turned into a poor old lady. Eyes were failing, gaining ton of weight, less active, more problems with food, pee, poo. But this year was the worst, to the problem list she was getting dementia, couldn't get herself up to stand, would fall/stumble a lot, seeming that she has Cushing's disease, and just unhappy in general. I tried and tried talking to her that it was ok for her to go if she was unhappy or uncomfortable and most of all to not try to stick around for us. Ultimately I think she didn't listen as she just couldn't bear to be without us. Her old separation anxiety was just too strong.

In early September we met Alexei at the Lucky Dog Lounge. Again here come the suckers. He was sweet and mellow and let all the other dogs get the attention. Matty was going to need a friend at the lounge and I hoped it would be him. I was very afraid for her there since she was so old and sick but it was that or a kennel which is infinitely worse for her, or drive 7 hours out of our way to have her stay with my parents (which was no picnic for her either.) Matty did fine at the Lounge. In October though we heard that the Lounge was closing (very sad news) and that a lot of dogs needed families. We couldn't let this very handsome and sweet dog not have a home but on the other hand my number one policy was that Matty would not feel replaced, ignored or in any way a second class citizen. So, we brought Alexei home for a trial run and it all went well, with Minkey and with Matty and his general behavior. But now looking back I can see that Matty really did give way to him, just as she learned from Shadow. Matty somehow knew that she wasn't going to be around much longer I think and started to let Alexei rule. We tried to not let that happen but I think I failed.

Bad timing with him and a trip I had planned really came together for poor old bear and Simon told me she was really suffering and I had no hopes that she'd even be there when I got back. And what was there to come home to but to land and have another last day with a beloved dog and then put her down? It really tainted my trip.

I told Matty on Sunday night when I got home that I was very happy to see her and that I was glad she waited but that it would be best if she could just go in peace now as I didn't know if I had it in me to put her down. She didn't though and the next morning Simon and I had to do it. The thing that haunts me is seeing her walking towards the room where we did it. She walked sweetly wanting to be with me even though it was to her execution. This kills me. All of our other pets were too sick to walk themselves. All of my pets throughout time were carried and Shadow was even beyond carrying. I know that Matty was suffering overall, but right then she wasn't and I almost backed out of it. I just wanted it to be 100% the right thing to do, not just 95%. Even as I write I can see her face looking at me as she walks down the hall.
She laid there on me, which she never did, ever, except in the last days, just being very sweet and calm. Always so giving, even in the end. I don't know if she was ready to go but she trusted us that we would do the right thing for her.
The damn shot they give pets is just too quick. Once in it is like 10 seconds and they are gone. GONE.
Dr. Cheng was very sweet and kept petting Matty and saying things like "you've always been a good dog and your parents love you very much."


Simon was especially good to me and had taken care of the logistics of the office part before so we could just rush our blubbery selves out of there, carrying the poor bear's body. We went home and buried her next to Shadow and Merlin. The trinity of pain for me. I can't go in the backyard anymore. Putting her there said to me it is time to leave this place of pain.

For at least a year I've known this is coming. I could feel the pain moving into my heart steadily and yet, not only did I do nothing about it (which is ironic because i thought i WAS steeling myself for this, but now I see I was just deluding myself) but then went and got another dog!!!

Alexei is great and he really REALLY makes Simon happy and seems to have helped him through the pain, but I kind of look at him sometimes and think "in 5-6 years, if we are lucky, we'll be back in the exact same place!"

And we had two other sweet dog/extended family members leave in the last 13 months. Chilidog, the original botzer had to be put down October 2008 and then just this past October the sweet Phanny, Phanstable, short for Phantom, Josh's fave dog ever, even more than Shadow, died. We were not there to see either of them go. :( This saddens me. I know that my folks did the right thing, especially for Phanny as she was having seizures, Grand Mal, at the last. I'm going to miss her so much this Christmas as Christmas was her very favorite.

I'm trying to focus on the good and the happiness that we all had together but I just don't feel it. I feel regret. I feel pain. I feel true remorse. I can't imagine living without pets, especially dogs as they are the most pure things on earth, but I wish I could imagine a world of no pain, just the pleasure and happiness of dogs.

Two different U2 songs, particularly these lines keep ringing through my head. They help and they hurt.
Sick of Sorrow. Sick of the pain.
I know it aches and your heart it breaks. You can only take so much.

And like the next line of the song, I must "Walk on".

Damn I suck (On Writing)

Where to start when you haven't blogged in almost 9 months! Enough time to carry a baby full term.

I think I'm too busy to write. There is always so much to do. I'm missing a ton of stuff every week in ATL because there is just so much to do in ATL and not much of it is close. And then the house is in shambles and I have so much to do if we'll ever get rid of the damn thing. Plus the holidays are coming so I feel impending doom of even more to do.

This is why writers have special little rooms to limit distractions. This is why a lot of writers live in cold places. I need the cold and quiet. I do not have a quiet mind and this is what I need to write. With so much to do and Simon, who is quiet like a toddler with a tummy full of cotton candy at the amusement park for the day, I just can't focus on anything.

The other thing that makes it hard for me to write is that a lot of times I feel with writing it is about finishing. For me the writing is about the doing and finding the right word to express what I'm thinking and feeling. Getting that down on paper is the accomplishment but that doesn't mean there is an end. No end in sign nor even an ending point. So, maybe this blogging thing will work for me as every entry can be seen as a victory since it has its own ending point.

Finding quiet time and places:
Yesterday we went walking our new dog Alexei up Kennesaw Mountain. We went very late in the day so we didn't have long which is the bad part, but the good part is that most people were leaving. I wish I could be there alone. It was so nice at twilight with the sounds of the squirrels and chipmunks scampering through the leaves as the only sound. I know I should be going to all of the events/attractions in GA that I can before we leave it but all I really want to do is spend all day in the wilderness and quiet. Then go into the city for an occasional musical. :)