Damn I suck (On Writing)

Where to start when you haven't blogged in almost 9 months! Enough time to carry a baby full term.

I think I'm too busy to write. There is always so much to do. I'm missing a ton of stuff every week in ATL because there is just so much to do in ATL and not much of it is close. And then the house is in shambles and I have so much to do if we'll ever get rid of the damn thing. Plus the holidays are coming so I feel impending doom of even more to do.

This is why writers have special little rooms to limit distractions. This is why a lot of writers live in cold places. I need the cold and quiet. I do not have a quiet mind and this is what I need to write. With so much to do and Simon, who is quiet like a toddler with a tummy full of cotton candy at the amusement park for the day, I just can't focus on anything.

The other thing that makes it hard for me to write is that a lot of times I feel with writing it is about finishing. For me the writing is about the doing and finding the right word to express what I'm thinking and feeling. Getting that down on paper is the accomplishment but that doesn't mean there is an end. No end in sign nor even an ending point. So, maybe this blogging thing will work for me as every entry can be seen as a victory since it has its own ending point.

Finding quiet time and places:
Yesterday we went walking our new dog Alexei up Kennesaw Mountain. We went very late in the day so we didn't have long which is the bad part, but the good part is that most people were leaving. I wish I could be there alone. It was so nice at twilight with the sounds of the squirrels and chipmunks scampering through the leaves as the only sound. I know I should be going to all of the events/attractions in GA that I can before we leave it but all I really want to do is spend all day in the wilderness and quiet. Then go into the city for an occasional musical. :)

February

February is the hardest month for me. I guess I've always known this on some level but I'm trying to deal with it now.

I realize that I call in sick a lot more in Feb and read a lot more in Feb. I've probably read more books in February than any other month, and I seem to particularly read the Brontes this time of year. I'm craving some Heathcliff and moors right about now.


What is it about February? I seem to get swallowed up by the bleak world around me. Christmas and New Years seem a long time ago and the brightness of summer seems to distant to be real. But what is real is the impending prescribed cheer of Spring. I can feel people longing for it, resenting the weather and bleakness of the now, just waiting to peel off their coats and get out in the sun. I feel very French right now because that idea sickens me. I know I have enjoyed it in the past and will again in the future but right now I can't stomach the idea of being light and gay and Spring-y.

Now is right. Now is bleak and doom and bundled up and coarse and pensive. There are no pastels now. Grey is all around me and I think in me. No wonder Valentine's was made for February. I don't think it was to "prove" you love someone but to prove to them that this bleak period won't last and that they are lovable and to not dwell in sadness. I'm sure that I'm no fun to be with right now. That's another thing I'm trying to deal with. To be myself is to say I don't care if I am fun to be around right now. That doesn't have to mean rude or unpleasant but just this more somber side, prickly and warts and all. Though it would be nice to hear that I'm still lovable in this state.

I feel shambling. I feel wandering and going nowhere. I am drifting but I don't think it is in a bad way. If my mood reflects the weather (as I think I'm more and more prone to SAD) I think it is right to be this way. If we should never be grey and bleak we are saying that the weather should never be this way, that February is wrong. I admit in the past I have wanted to jump over it, particularly Valentine's day and just get to Spring, but now I feel that all 4 seasons have a place in the interior of our lives. Otherwise, we aren't being our full selves. Otherwise, we are pretending that we have no moods, bad days or inclement weather in our lives. Even paradise locations have bad weather, rainy seasons, monsoons, etc, just maybe not in February.

I've always been glad February is a short month because otherwise I might not get through it. Now I think I can, since realizing that I need it like I've never needed it before. I feel like the rest of the year I have to do what everyone else wants and needs and now I just can't do anything other than what I want. What I want to do for myself. Funny, the winter of our lives usually means the end, the hibernation, the death. Now it feels like it means the period where you get to finally do what you want to do and everyone else be damned.

I'm also dealing with the sense of self. Self being the most important thing in the world. Self being on the only person worth doing anything for. I think Self is going to be my theme for now. I don't know how long it will take me to learn the lesson of self or how many mistakes I'll make along the way, pissing others off, not having any balance, etc, but this is my goal for now. True authentic self. I think that's what I need and what February was intended for in my life.

Chicago

The only part of New York, New York that is right is the "if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere."

Chicago is a much better town and like the song says "my kinda town". The people are better, the food better, everything so far is better for me.

I've been there 3 times now and I go back once more. I'm trying to figure out how to best use my limited time there. I'm looking at restaurants mainly since it will still be February when I go back. Maybe the Field Museum but I know I can't do it all in a day.

I really can't wait to go back and even more so, can't wait to go there in good weather with Simon! There is SOO much to photograph!

Ok, to focus on the food, the best food I've had so far:
1) Russian Tea Room. This is just across from the Art Institute and has fantastic food and like everywhere in Chicago, good, warm people. I had borscht there which is so good, it doesn't even need the sour cream (blasphemy) and these sweet pumpkin things that were kind of pancakes/blintzes/crepes. It was here that I realized that you need to visit cities in the cold weather months to find out what they are really like. Then I had this confirmed by hearing 2 others in the same restaurant say the same thing. They were talking about Russia, and how the best time to visit Russia is New Years. So, now I have a new travel goal.

2) Deep Dish. Growing up with NY style it took some doing to get me to even try this and when I did I still wanted to hold it instead of use a fork. This makes me laugh at myself! Chicago pizza is a real pie and is meant to be eaten with a large group of people. It is much more social and I believe the true place to "share a pie". NY is much more an individual thing, a SLICE, you can eat standing at the counter or even walking if skilled. Aint no room for that with deep dish. Just saw that the best place in town is a place called Burt's. I won't get there on the next visit though.

3) Polish/Lithuanian place by Midway. It is bad that I can't remember what it is called but this place is so authentic I felt as if it has never changed since the day they opened it. Food was strange and heavy and a bit intimidating but wonderful and deceptively complex for simple food.

Ok, now to transportation: I don't think I've felt as free and easy on public transportation since I was a young teen with friends from Jersey going into Philly, where you feel all the fun and excitement but none of the fear because you are a teen and invincible! I've probably talked to more strangers in Chicago and felt like they were decent conversations, not just chatter, than every where else in the whole world all combined. I've only been on the Orange, Blue and Red lines but I like the El a LOT.

Now to entertainment/creative opportunity: In NYC or SF I always felt like there was just too much to do and it was too exclusive somehow. In Chicago I feel like if I just had more time there I could do everything!

I could totally live in Chicago!

Commitment to blogging

So, Laura M. challenged me to write more. Maybe everyday.

I don't think she intended to do this. I don't think I have it in me, but will give it the old college try.

I told Laura that there is something very exhibitionist almost like a flasher to being a blogger. Not mine obviously.

I wanted somewhere I can write anything, so I start this, but then don't use it. Retarded.

I'm going to TRY to just write everyday, no matter what. No matter how tired or what there is to write about. Without putting any shoulds into it. What should I write? What tone should it have? etc. None of that. Just vent and dump and see what comes of it.

Not judging what I write may be the hardest part of all.

What I've learned in Lawton/Altus Oklahoma

I actually feel sorry for middle America and not in a "I'm better than them and I look down on them and feel sorry" kind of way. I feel sorry for them, I really do.
I have been here twice on business now. I know that is not enough to indict two whole towns, it is enough to know how I feel about them.

FOOD: the food/health/quality of life situation

The moment dawned on me when I attempted to eat some fruit as it was the only safe option on the breakfast buffet. The apples were old and dark red and unappealing. The bananas brown and spotty all over. The mixed fruit was even worse. It was comprised of grapefruit, cantaloupe, honeydew melon, grapes and pineapple. The pineapple was hard in a "I was cut too early and too close to the stem" way. I don't like grapefruit so I skipped that. The cantaloupe was hard. It had been frozen and the freezing sealed it up like an old steak. The honeydew melon looked like the center of the chunks could be edible but I couldn't get past the dark green/brown surrounding it. Finally, only the grapes were edible.

This town has no concept of fresh food. I don't think they've seen any since the 1960s. Everything is shipped from far away. There are no real grocery stores. EVERYONE MUST buy their FOOD ONLY at WAL-MART. There is one fast food place that is unique as they make their own ice cream, possibly other items too, but I never found anyone who would know, and they have a mini-grocery store inside, selling all of their products plus a few green items and healthy juices.
I spoke with my clients here and they confirmed that there are no fresh markets and no farmers markets. They said: "Once every so often you see a guy on the side of the road with his truck and he's selling a few items" in such a disdainful way that you could tell they were afraid to try his stuff so never have.

So, yes, I feel sorry for them and feel sorry for anyone who has to come here. I don't see that TV or any outside influence has spoken to their soul to say there is a bigger world out there. Normally when I go to a client's site and want to get the best food around I ask my clients what their faves are and to be really pointed I ask what is their best restaurant, where they'd go for their anniversary or some special dinner out. Upon driving into this town I could tell I should not bother asking that question. However, my client happened to discuss his marriage of 32 years and I asked if they still celebrated everyone after all these years or just the big ones. He confessed they don't do anything special for any anniversaries and found out that if they do ever go out for dinner they usually go to the fast food/ice cream joint. Yep. Really.

Last night I ordered a pizza to watch the historic election. I cannot remember the last time I had bad pizza but I would venture to guess it was probably Chuck E Cheese's for some party when Josh was little. And Chuck E Cheese's was better. You know that expression about bad pizza and bad sex? It is wrong. Today I asked my client where she goes for good italian food and she said "The Olive Garden in Lawton." That's 55 miles away.

In the one little cafe in town that serves homemade soups, salads and sandwiches, they still use the cheapest ingredients. I had to try to their homemade chicken salad and actually had to stop eating it after one bite and send it back. I found out that in their chicken salad they use chicken (the actual chicken seemed good and there was a good texture to it), sugar, mayonaise and Cool Whip! It tasted like I was eating a meaty textured ambrosia salad on bread. It was bizarre. Last time, when stuck at the airport, I had tuna salad that had Sweet and Lo in it. Then today at lunch with my client he had a salad with his chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes smothered in white gravy. The salad consisted of ice berg lettuce, tomato and cucumber (2 slices of each) which he drenched in French dressing and then heaped salt on it. He said: "I don't much like salads but I'm trying to eat them to make sure I get my 3 servings of fruits and vegetables a day."

This man was raised on a farm back in the 50s and should know better. He works for the county hospital and so should know better. Shouldn't I pity him? Shouldn't I weep for the future? Shouldn't I wonder when I get a better, fresher breakfast at WhataBurger than at my hotel? Whataburger not only has egg, cheese and bacon biscuits but they actually are making their full menu starting at 7 in the am. So, yesterday am I saw 4 guys, probably between 17-20 years old (who told the cashier, "oh, don't mind him. He just got some great sex last night. I should know. I've had to hear all about it this morning" about his goofball friend) eating burgers, spicy bbq chicken sandwiches and fries for breakfast. And I could tell that they had not been up all night, this really was breakfast. They are thin now, but I can assure everyone that they won't be, that no one in this town will be in ten years.

I weep for the future. We will all be paying this town's medical bills.



Education and Entertainment:
I didn't get to experience these as much as I would like but here's what I saw:
There is one bookstore and that is Hastings which sells books, movies, music and rents movies too. In their book section they have TINY sections for non-fiction, history, politics and practical matters. They have BIG sections for Romance, Christian and Pop. But the entire book section could fit into less that just the rentals section for movies. Movies is the big draw. I was the only person I saw buying books and there were only 2 other people in the book section, while the others did have decent numbers.
There is one movie theatre in town. It is showing 8 movies this week on two screens. Two small screens. Their whole building is the size of a typical convenience store that has gas pumps and a car wash.
I don't know anyone who's been there. Everyone told me that the screens are too small and their home screens are almost as big as the theater's, so why go? Thus, everyone is cocooned away from everyone else. I know of no music festivals or even places to go hear either country or western in a live setting. There maybe a hole in the wall bar that has music but I didn't see a banner outside announcing it.

People:
My client is extremely nice to me, but I'm not getting a good vibe from anyone else here, except one lady at the ice cream place. Most people just really seem to have no clue and several seemed antagonistic, demented, stoned or just ready to keel over and die. Quietly and tragically. If you didn't think the Matrix was real, come here and you will find out that they all took the blue pill.

So, what did I learn? I learned that I NEED to live in a town that believes in Farmer's Markets. I need to live in a town that fosters learning about the food/health/quality of life connection. I need to know that I can drive to a restaurant that has a real chef, not just a cook, and that this chef knows how to choose the best quality product and won't settle for less.
I need places that have a sense of community and communal entertainment. I need live music. I need hills! I also learned to appreciate other parts of the country more.
I learned to esteem Tennessee. I never thought I'd say it but TN has a lot of good things going for it: free, progressive press, active people, interesting conversation and lots of co-ops and farmer's markets. I don't think I'll be bad-mouthing TN anymore.

On Reading

Right now I am reading Out Stealing Horses by Per Petterson. It is a translation from the Norwegian.

Generally I don't like translations because you can't pinpoint a problem. Was it the author or the translator? But so far, by page 29, I've only found one problem so I think this one will be ok.

It is sooo hard to have such high standards. I know that my own writing would not survive my own criticism. However, I am not published, so there I draw the line and feel secure in my mediocrity.

Last month's book group book was Water For Elephants and it just did not measure up.

The book was all plot and it started to fall apart half way through. It was the kind of book that if you read it in one sitting just zooming through it because you are on a plane or at the beach, the plot moves you along. The speed actually makes you a happy reader because you aren't going slow enough to examine it. Upon close reading or discussion though one realizes that it just doesn't hold up. It totally frustrates me that this is the kind of book that gets popular and if you say you don't like it, people act like it is your problem, not the book's.
We discussed this in book group. There are a lot of books that if we read them outside of bookgroup, we all agreed that the books would be more enjoyable.

I think that close reading has come to mean being critical and picking it apart. Why can't we just enjoy stuff? Why does reading have to be an exercise? Can't we just have fun? After all, it is supposed to be my fun time.

Well, that's fine, but, that's why we have different genres. If you want to read just for fun, it is not Literature!! Why is that a bad thing? Literature here, (insert name for tosspot) "fun" fiction here.

I know the world will not agree with me, but I know my husband does and I'm sure most professors do.

Shopping hassels

Why oh why can't I find one store that has t-shirts in all cuts, all styles and all colors for god's sake? Is there a conspiracy against chocolate brown t-shirts? Have they pissed the fashion gods off?

I don't see why I can't go to one store, whether on line or a brick and mortar store and just find the v-necks that I want and just scoop up the colors that I want. I'm not asking for anything weird!

Next I decided that I want a light-weight robe, the size and function of a robe but the material of a cotton nightgown. Can't find that one either but I think this is a bit off the worn commercial path and I'm willing to accept this one as me. So, I'll have to learn to sew and do it myself.